Dear Diary...

Disclaimer: I don't expect anyone to actually see this. These are just some thoughts I had these past few days and I want to get them out somehow.

I started reading a book yesterday, which I haven't done in at least 7 years.
I grabbed some food and a soda, jumped on my new bike, and went up the hill to watch the sunset while reading this new book. That Book, I bought it 2 years ago and always told myself, that I would read it someday. Yesterday was that day.
I felt free.

I kind of started to like this girl from work. After my breakup 2 years ago, and the deep depression that came with it, I thought I would never look at someone like that. But I think it is starting to happen. It freaks me out, but at the same time, I'm excited. To think that I had thoughts about ending it all, twice, and now to start this new chapter in my life comes a bit unexpected. I asked her if she would like to meet up, outside of work, some time and she said yes. But she is a bit busy with school right now and I have the worst timing when it comes to asking her if she has some time to spare. But we will meet up sometime, I'm confident.

I noticed how much I have changed in the past few years. After the breakup I caught up on all those years I have stayed the same. I'm a whole different person now. I feel more like myself and started to love my body. I've developed my own style. I am me now.

I recognized, that every time I went out with friends, I was the one asking them. I can't recall an occasion, in which I was the one being asked. Do my friends truly like me? Or are they just saying yes, when I ask them, out of guilt? I want to be asked if I am free on some Friday evening or if I want to come to that party. At least once. I don't want to be a burden on their shoulders.

I haven't met my best friend for half a year. We talk at work, but that is it. She wanted to come over on my birthday, but then she had to take a covid test and had to wait for the results. And every time since then she canceled a day before. It is always something to do with her family or her boyfriend, which is okay. I don't want her to have to choose between me and her family. But I kind of feel like that the best friend thing only goes one way. Is she really my best friend?

I am preparing to open up my Photography Store. I have been doing this for more than 5 years now. And now I can finally start making some money with it. Well, since March I can. I've just been pushing it because I felt like it wasn't ready yet. But I kind of need the extra money, if there even is some in it. I am really nervous, what if I can't grow it, or I am not giving it my best? I really want this to be my job someday.

I started to look into moving out of my mom's apartment. But I can't afford any place of my own. I would love to keep living in the countryside. Nature just calms me down, I'm happy here.

I have so many dreams. What if I can't fulfill them all? I want to sail the world. I want to be an artistic nature photographer for a living. I want to live in a Wikkelhouse, next to a lake. I want to own a dog, someone that is always excited to see me come home. I want to travel to so many places.

I am my happiest alone, in nature, taking photos of this beautiful world. But I would like to share all this with at least one special person in my life. I don't have a problem with being alone, but too alone for too long isn't good for my mental health. I like to be around people I connect with. Of which there are only a few. But for them, I am just a page in their book, while they are a whole chapter in mine.
That is just how the world works, we all are our own main characters in our own story and all those people around us are just background extras. Until someone makes you a side character or even part of the main cast.

And now to you, the one lovely person who read through all of my current thoughts.

Thank You!